Being somewhat shy of 30 years old, I still (hopefully) have time to change my mind. Despite that, two things I want for certain are as follows:
- I want to do good. Good in general, and not a poor substitute for saying ‘I want to do well’. Not good for the sake of being good, but because I want to. I want to exude positivity as much as possible.
- I want to be remembered. Not necessarily for being good, though I definitely would not be averse to that. If someone cares for me, it’d be nice to know that I cross their mind once in a while, whether I’m living or have passed on.
19 Sept ’11, the fridge in my aunt’s home, Woodland Hills, California
Anchor and I returned from our Los Angeles trip last evening. I departed with the feeling that I’d accomplished above points one and two without much energy at all. Granted, I probably could have done a lot less drinking, but that’s a tiny drop (pun slightly intended) in an ocean of activity.
20 Sept ’11, Point Fermin, San Pedro, California
When I traded the Southwest for the Northwest, I felt relieved. Indignant, even. It took more of me than expected to adhere to this long-term plan of moving and actually seeing it through, and it made be a tad bitter. I honestly let myself forget about LA for a while, even with all the online contact with others.
I made a thousand miles seem like three times that number. I had to, as a defense mechanism for the way certain interactions had affected me.
The distance was necessary. Perhaps it still is, in some aspects that shall go unnamed for the moment. There’s loads to sort out.
It has taken a few trips, a couple of years, and interacting with a delicate number of people, but I have finally come to appreciate southern California in full. It was home to me, and remains such for friends and family I value. I’d be a fool not to acknowledge these facts.
Frustrations about the city I lived in were minimal compared to the frustrations about the life I was living, the parts of myself I stifled. It’s better to have realized that sooner than later, and I’m grateful for the closure I was so desperately seeking without being fully aware of it.